Coping with the loss of a beloved pet

What's the best way to cope with your feelings?

Everyone experiences grief differently

Wait until the time is right before you get a new pet

How will I know when it is time?

Putting a pet to sleep is all too often a responsibility of compassionate pet stewardship.  It is a very loving decision to say "I love you too much to see you suffer". It is a gift of devoted compassion.

Knowing that it is time is based on several notions:

1) What do others say - friends are all too often the first to say its time let go - but do they really know your pet?  What does your veterinarian say?   Sometimes it is important for you to remove yourself from the situation and look at it from the outside - friends and the Vet can help you do that. 

 2) In many cases a pet is suffering if it can not keep up with the usual family activities.  They watch you come and go with an ache in their heart that says, "I wish I can go with you but I can't - it is just too painful or I am too weak".  You will feel guilty when you leave, but are you leaving an animal to suffer?

3) Try to compare the healthy individual to the current individual.  What behavior is different and why is it different?

4) Are you getting frustrated with the care of your pet - does your pet cower or act as though it did something wrong when you clean or medicate him?  Do you think this care is a burden and that it causes you stress?  Just know that your pet is very aware of all of your emotions. 

5) A pet will thank you for needed care with a lick or a tail wag - how does your pet react?

6) It is a rare dog or cat that actually lives to the point of senility - where they circle restlessly and then stand with their head in a corner or get stuck somewhere between furniture.  A pet that is "no longer there" or exhibiting in and out consciousness and wandering or staring blankly is a much more comfortable decision of euthanasia than having to euthanize a pet that is fully aware.  However - this wandering is often an attempt of a pet to hide from or somehow escape from intractable, intense and inescapable...pain.  They simply cannot get comfortable lying there so they wander.  That is a horrible realization that only few have true empathy for.   Is your pet painful?

7) There is a worse grief that occurs long afterwards in cases where a pet is allowed to go for too long - it is a realization a month or so afterwards that you let it go too far.  You are then forever burdened with that realization.  Whenever you remember that pet or view an old photo - your heart will sink with not just sadness but also with the guilt that you might have let a pet suffer for your own sake.  Try to imagine if you will feel this guilt afterwards.

Euthanasia is a mature responsibility.  It is a loving gift and a noble sacrifice.  When you love a thing - let it go.  Do not try to control what is not yours to control.  Freedom is the goal and nature is the most free of all but it is also the most cruel.  Make a decision based on your unbiased sense of compassion and empathy - ignore anything selfish or you might regret it later.  You will never be better off without your beloved pet, but will your pet be? 

JCC,DVM

SURVIVING PET LOSS 

When you face that huge emptiness inside, it's tempting to just give yourself over to grief. At the same time, a certain amount of survival instinct reminds you that you still need to do something to keep going.  But what? Grief makes it hard to think, to plan. What can you do to keep that hole from swallowing you?

1. Eat something. You may not feel hungry, but food is important. Grief burns a lot of energy; you need fuel. If you can't face a full meal, nibble. Eat NOW, whether you want to or not.

2. Cry. Cry as much as you want to, whenever you feel like it.

3. Find something to do. This may seem trite, but focusing on a task really does help.  The more you do, the less you dwell...

4. Count your blessings. When you lose a loved one, it's hard to focus on anything positive. Remind yourself of some of the good things that you still have by deliberately reviewing a list of your "blessings" - such as your family, your remaining pets, your friends, your interests.

5. Reflect on things that don't involve your pet. The loss of your pet may seem to touch every aspect of your life, but in reality, it hasn't changed EVERYTHING.  Reflect on things that have not changed -- the things that you did and enjoyed without your pet.

6. Cuddle something furry.  If you have another pet, give it some extra cuddle time - even though part of your mind is thinking that this isn't the pet you WANT to cuddle.  It's still warm, and furry, and may be very confused and concerned right now.  If you don't have another pet, consider cuddling a stuffed animal.  Spouses are nice, but you need fur.  It sounds strange but at least try it.

7. Avoid irrevocable decisions. Don't do anything you can't undo. For example, if you can't stand the sight of your pet's toys, don't throw them away - put them in a box out of sight.

8. Replace negative imagery. The last moments of your pet's life can become a powerful image, whether you witnessed them or not. If you believe that pets go on to an afterlife, for example, try replacing the image of the "last" moment of your pet's life with the "next" moment:  The moment it arrives, healthy and whole, on the other side.  If you don't believe in an afterlife, concentrate on the special things you did for your pet to make THIS life a blessing for it.

9. Be honest with yourself. You've been wounded, and you hurt. You're not weak, crazy, or overly sentimental to feel this way. You WILL hurt, and it will take time to heal.

10. Make a decision to work through grief.  For some people grief has persisted for years: They are just as upset, just as angry, just as miserable over their loss as they were the day it happened.  Such people tend to be consumed with bitterness, obsessing over their loss - and not only do they suffer, but they also bring suffering to everyone around them.  You can't control whether or not you grieve.  But you can decide whether or not to let that grief control YOU. 

Lastly, be sad for those who lives will never be touched by such a wonderful creature. They may never know this feeling.  You may not feel like it now, but it is a blessing and you have gained spiritually from it. 
Cherish the memories with a warm smile.  Smile because you know that pets always feel what you do...make them happy to know you are well.

(I am not sure who originally wrote this but I have given this to many of my clients who have lost a pet and have been thanked for it afterwards regularly.  Though I did modify it a bit, kudos to the original author!   Dr.C)

Ashes to Ashes Pet Urn Company

After All, He was Only a Pet?   

THE RAINBOW BRIDGE POEM

What do I do with my pet's ashes?

Most pet crematories take every precaution to ensure that the cremains you receive back are from your pet.  Amounts, color and consistency will vary as there are differences in the type of equipment and methods available.   

Cremains are considered to be the earth part of the spirit.  It is what belongs in the physical world.  Keeping the cremains is a means of keeping the memory as physical as possible while the spirit is free hence the reason for keeping ashes in an urn.  

There are indeed many other options for what one can do with ashes from a beloved pet:

Spread them in a favorite spot in the yard.

Bury them with a memorial tree (well diluted with topsoil as ash is very alkaline and has a high salt content.)

Set them free on a bridge over a favorite river or pier at a beach. 

Separate small amounts and gift them in keepsakes or jewelry to family members.

Store them to be buried or re-cremated with the owner.

Hold them for dispersal until you feel ready.

Mix them with cement and make something which will last several hundred years.

Adhesed cremains:  put a drop of white glue onto a suitable surface of a locket and then add a small amount of cremains.  Stir with a small wood stick and let dry.   A dusting of cremains is where cremains are put over the drop of white glue and the excess shaken off back into the urn.  These techniques are similar to what is done on certain Saint and relic pieces. A photo may be placed either opposite or over the mixed wet adhesed cremins as it will still retain the glue properties.

At one time similar jewelry was considered very apropos especially during the Victorian era.  Lockets and brooches were usually worn under the clothing and often held painted miniatures as well as locks of hair or even bone or ash.  Keepsake type pendants are all descendent of relic type pieces which were especially popular during the middle ages but used in various forms since time immemorial.  Keepsakes are a physical link to a memory that holds forever.

Types of cremation services:

Communal cremation is when multiple pets are simultaneously cremated and their ashes disposed of on private cemetery grounds or taken to a local landfill.  Some services offer burial at sea for no additional charge.

A private cremation is when 2, 3, or maybe 4 pets are cremated at the same time, but are physically separated by space or cremation bricks. The pets ashes are then removed from the crematory in reverse order to retain the integrity of the private cremation. The cremains are then generally processed in a commercial blender to attain a fine ash consistency and eliminate visible bone fragments. Private cremations reduce the cost associated with “Individual” cremations described below.

Individual cremation is one pet in one cremation unit at a time.  Pure and simple, it is what most pet owners expect.   Be sure to ask your provider for what type of service you are receiving.   You deserve to know how your pet’s cremation will be performed before the decision is made.

http://www.ashestoashes.com/How-to-cope-with-pet-loss.htm

BEYOND THE RAINBOW

As much as I loved the life we had and all the times we played,
I was so very tired and knew my time on earth would fade

I saw a wondrous image then of a place that's trouble-free
Where all of us can meet again to spend eternity.

I saw the most beautiful Rainbow, an on the other side
Were meadows rich and beautiful - lush and green and wide
And running through the meadows as far as the eye could see
Were animals of every sort as healthy as could be
My own tired, failing body was fresh and healed and new
And I wanted to go run with them, but I had something left to do
I needed to reach out to you, to tell you I'm alright
That this place is truly wonderful, then a bright glow pierced the night
"Twas the glow of many candles, shining bright and strong and bold
And I knew then that it held your love in it's brilliant shades of gold.
For although we may not be together in the way we used to be
We are still connected by a cord no one can see
So whenever you need to find me, we're never far apart
If you look beyond the Rainbow and listen with your heart

LAST NIGHT

I stood by your bed last night; I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying you found it hard to sleep.
I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
"It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."
I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea,
You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at the shops today; your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.
I was with you at my grave today; you tend it with such care.
I want to re-assure you, that I'm not lying there.
I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key.
I gently put my paw on you; I smiled and said, "it's me."
You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.
It's possible for me, to be so near you everyday.
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."
You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew...
in the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.
The day is over... I smile and watch you yawning
and say "good-night, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."
And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side.
I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out...then come home to be with me.
- Author Unknown

A POEM FOR THE GRIEVING...

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die

(From a parrot's point of view)

By Jane Hallander

1.  My life is likely to last 20 or more years. Any separation from you will be painful to me. Remember that before you take me home.

2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.

3. Place your trust in me. It's crucial to my well-being.

4. Don't be angry with me for long, and don't lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your entertainment, and your friends. I have only you.

5. Talk to me sometimes. Even if I don't understand your words, I do understand your voice when it's speaking to me.

6. Be aware that however you treat me, I'll never forget it.

7. Remember before you hit me that I have a beak that could easily crush the bones of your hand, but that I choose not to bite you.

8. Before you scold me for being uncooperative, obstinate, or lazy, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, or I've been in the cage too long.

9. Take care of me when I get old; you too will get old.

10. Go with me on the last journey. Never say "I can't bear to watch it," or "Let it happen in my absence." Everything is easier for me if you are there. Remember, I love you.